Everything is working in your favor

A friend shared this mantra with me when we were both job hunting, and it has stuck with me. It’s tempting when things don’t work out the way we hoped to feel that we made a mistake or we failed. But what if we believe we’re better off instead?

I started thinking about this for a pretty trivial reason: I didn’t have enough yarn to finish the sleeves of the cardigan I’ve been working on. I was pretty frustrated; why do I keep making mistakes, I thought I had plenty of yarn! But then after thinking about it and consulting with my knitting advisor I realized this sweater would work well with cap sleeves. So I tried it, and I’m so pleased with the results. No one would ever have to know this was a “mistake.” It was a happy accident, which resulted in a better product. Yet again it shows how lessons from knitting translate to projects of all kinds. How many times does something go wrong that turns out to be for the best?

My neighbor was telling me that in her 20s she was engaged to a longtime boyfriend. A month or so before the wedding she found out that he was cheating on her and they called it all off. She cried every day for a year. But now she sees that she was ignoring the problems they had because she was determined to get married. If they hadn’t broken up she never would have met her husband or had the family she has now. But she didn’t know all of that in the miserable year after the breakup! How we get through the heartbreak and uncertainty that follows events like this is a crucial part of getting to the next chapter.

Another friend didn’t get tenure after the very long road of trying to get tenure. He tells the story of talking with his advisor about things he could have done differently. Like, maybe he should have spent less time with his kids, or spent less time on teaching. His advisor famously said: “yeah and you also could have been a different person.” My friend was himself, and things happened how they happened. From there he found a path to a fulfilling career which builds on his invaluable experience as a faculty member. Everything was working in his favor, though he certainly didn’t feel that way at the time.

Especially when you are just starting out in your career, it is normal to feel like you have to chart the right path, and have the right plan. So many students and young scholars I meet worry about how to perfectly execute their plan. But there’s never one right way, there’s only so much we can control, and we have to stay open to the things we learn along the way. Life isn’t always as much about the plan as about how we handle what’s thrown at us. Setbacks may actually be important turning points to get us going where we’re meant to be.

You never know how the story will end, and you have to keep chipping away at your goals. Do you need help seeing a recent setback in a new light? Would you like a thought partner to help you figure out your goals or motivate you to keep going? I am here and can’t wait to talk to you!