A good talker
Many times I have had to remember and remind myself (and my students, and my kids) that we are not usually very good at things we don’t do regularly. To be able to perform a task at a certain level, we have to practice at that level. I think we are better at understanding this when it comes to sports (the best runners run every day, intentionally, with a plan). You can’t be a good runner if you don’t run! But there are certain things, including speaking and making conversation, where there’s a tendency to think that you should just be able to perform well without practice. Maybe because we don’t really focus on it in school, or it just seems like something some people do well and others don’t. But how often do we have high-quality conversations?
I come to this question from my background as a language teacher and my deep familiarity and experience with the ACTFL (American Council on Teaching Foreign Languages) proficiency scale. A key criteria to be considered an advanced speaker of any language is to be an “active conversation partner.” But whatever your language background is, you have to learn these skills, and in these days of smartphones and the tendency for less face to face conversation, it may be challenging. Especially as my kids are now in the adolescent phase of one-word and two-word responses to anything, I have been thinking a lot about how people become thoughtful and articulate speakers and conversationalists.
Recently I’ve had meetings with several scholars who want to improve their communication skills, for talking with colleagues, networking, and making a good impression professionally. The first thing I ask is how often they speak, and how much they are practicing these skills. The answer is usually very little, whether they don’t know how to practice, they don’t feel comfortable making small talk, or don’t have many opportunities to speak throughout the day. They are often reading and writing about their work, texting and communicating online, and not talking very much. What can they do to develop their skills and feel more confident?
Keep a communication journal. The first step to working on your speaking skills is paying attention to how much you are speaking, and in what kinds of contexts. Keep track of the kinds of conversations you are having and how comfortable you feel in them. If you had an awkward interaction where you didn’t know what to say, take note of it, and think about what you could do differently next time. If you notice you aren’t speaking much, or starting conversations, take note of that too! The log will help you realize what you are doing and not doing, to set goals for the future.
Set goals, find opportunities to practice intentionally, and make a habit of it. If you notice you aren’t starting many conversations, challenge yourself to try that. Practice small talk in the elevator. Strike up a conversation at the bus stop or the gym. The more you get used to doing this, the easier it will become! If you are going to be attending a class, meeting, or event, make a plan to participate. Jumping in early can help. The less you talk, the less you are likely to talk. Challenge yourself to attend more social events and make the most of opportunities to connect with people. Find a peer or colleague with similar goals, and make a plan to meet with them regularly. You can give each other feedback and encouragement, and help hold each other accountable to your speaking goals. Practice telling stories. How did you get interested in your field? What is something exciting that happened recently? Stories are useful professionally and personally. If you are reading or writing, talk to yourself out loud about what you are learning or doing. Make a list of the terms you need to use regularly and practice explaining them. What would you say if someone asked you to clarify?
Prepare and learn more conversation strategies. You can prepare ahead of time for conversations. In her book TALK: The science of conversation and the art of being ourselves, Allison Wood Brooks shares a TALK framework for conversation, to help us think about how to be less self-centered in conversation. Conversation is for connecting and sharing. T is for topics: plan what topics you want to talk about when you know you are going to have a conversation with someone, or want to start a conversation. A is for asking: ask good questions, listen, and show interest. Plan ahead for what kinds of questions you’d like to ask. L is for levity: don’t be so serious. And K is for kindness: be generous and show warmth in your conversations and people will want to talk to you!
Another great resource is this HBR podcast on impromptu speaking with Stanford professor Matt Abrahams. This is perfect for scholars, who may know their work very well, but freeze when they are called on to talk about it, or may not feel as comfortable talking about other topics. He shares some frameworks to use for practice in different speaking contexts.
Last week a student asked me how to improve his speaking skills. I listened and made these suggestions, as well as some tailored to his specific case. At the end of the meeting he said, “I should have come to talk to you a long time ago! This is so helpful!” I congratulated him for taking the first step. It is easy to delay doing things that feel hard, especially things we think we should already be good at.
These strategies apply regardless of your language background. For multilingual scholars, check out my English language proficiency guide. Want to talk more about talking? I’m here!
